In the ancient world, Olympic events were matters of life and death. Running a marathon could be the fastest way to warn a neighboring city of an attack. Throwing spear was a legitimate war tactic. Balance beam was…never a good idea. Technology has rendered most Olympic events unequivocally useless. When our robot overlords come, we aren’t going to be saved by boxing or table tennis.
Like your appendix, most Olympic events have outlived their purpose, but obnoxiously stumble on, occasionally causing stomach pain and nausea.
It’s high time we revamp the events to better reflect the most valuable skills in the modern world.
For your consideration:
Related: Surviving zombie attack—This event will test participants’ ability to avoid contact with all other human(like) beings. Must be an introvert to play and a hermit to win.
Wii bowling—The Olympics should reflect the values of the culture it inhabits. Bowling was already the world’s schlumpiest sport. You can drink a beer while doing it, but with Wii, you don’t even have to set down your beer or dislodge yourself from the couch. This is the 21st century.
Tweeting—Sports are on the decline; we assert our dominance in the vaunted arena of social media. And, nothing’s quite as incapacitating as 140 characters of pure, unadulterated snark.
STEM subjects—OK, honestly, this is mostly just part of my ongoing campaign to make nerdiness cool, but at least, after the Olympics, the competitors won’t end up in a Tonya Harding Sex-Tapes-and-Celebrity-Boxing career path. Besides, Japan could use a few more events to dominate.
Live pigeon shooting—This was an actual event at the 1900 Paris games. If the zombie apocalypse does come, at least we’d have sustenance.